Donkey skin Kotor version
by Revan Sama
Summary: <html><head></head>The fairy tale donkey skin/Kotor parody.</html>
1. Chapter 1

_There was once upon a time... _

_A king who was so much beloved by his subjects that he thought himself the happiest monarch in the whole world._

"Please vote 'money and world domination'...er...I mean...Love and peace for everyone..."  
>(G0-T0 as the King)<p>

_And he had everything his heart could desire. All in modesty. _

"You could say I'm something of a patriot. I'm very open handed. HEY, you slave! Make me an oil bath right now!"

_His palace was filled with the rarest of curiosities (War chest), and his gardens with the sweetest flowers,  
>while in the marble stalls of his stables stood a row of milk-white horse, with big brown eyes.<em>

How the hell can YOU stand on a horse? !

"It take a lot of practice and a lot of glue to hold up." explained G0-T0 the king.

_Strangers who had heard of the marvels which the king had collected (looted), and made long journeys to see them, were,  
>however, surprised to find the most splendid stall of all occupied by a donkey, with particularly large and drooping ears. <em>

"HEY! I'm not THAT fat!"  
>(Atton Rand as the front part of the donkey)<p>

"Oh go shower and shut up Atton."  
>(Mira as the behind part of the donkey)<p>

"And why am I a donkey?" asked an angry Atton.

"Because if you were the behind of the donkey you would be staring at my ass and that option is not availed!" explained Mira.

"Come on! I should be a prince or something! I'm Kotor II's love interest number one!"

_It was a very fine donkey, a bit dumb though_.

"HEY!" said both Atton and Mira.

_But still, as far as they could tell, nothing so very remarkable as to account for the care with which it was lodged;  
>and they went away wondering, for they could not know that every night, when it was asleep, bushels of gold pieces tumbled out of its ears, which were picked up each morning by the attendants<em>.

"Hey, this is yellow not gold!" said a servant.

"Look, if you're not happy about it, do your gold yourself." said twice the donkey; front and behind.

_After many years of prosperity_

"Of thieving gold you mean!" said Atton the front part of the donkey.

_A sudden blow fell upon the king in the death of his wife, whom he loved dearly._

"Now how are we suppose to have se- I mean...My poor dear wife, how am I suppose to cure her?" said G0-T0 the king.

_But before she died, the queen, who had always thought first of his happiness..._

"Happiness? My ass, yeah." said atton the front part of the donkey.

"I would have married him too for all that gold coming from atton's ears. With no brain it's easier to make gold." said Mira the behind of the donkey.

"HEY!"

_She gathered all her strength, and said to him:_

"Statement: Promise that you must marry again for the bad luck of your people. But do not set about it in a hurry (for my personal pride).  
>Wait until you have found a person more beautiful and better formed than myself."(What the hell do that mean? ! better formed?)<p>

"Which you'll never find because you're too damn ugly and fat."  
>(HK-47 as the queen)<p>

"Okay!"

_HEY, you are not suppose to be happy! Do the drama queen now! Or no pay until next month!_

"..., do not speak to me of marrying," sobbed G0-T0 the king; "rather let me die with you!"

"Recitation: What a wonderful idea dear fat-one!"

_After that the queen died._

"Query: What? But I haven't finish yet!"

_I SAID, the queen died!_

_For some months the king's grief was great;_

"Ah, How wonderful to be single again! Now I can go to the pool."

_You don't know how to swim..._

"It's for the ladies."

_Gradually he began to forget a little, and, besides, his counsellors were always urging him to seek another wife. _

_Though it was kind of difficult with all the dumb flirt he did with all the woman in and out the palace._

"I bet he won't find anything." Said Mira the behind of the donkey.

"I'm sure he'll find something, I teach him sometime cheesy lines that the ladies love!" said Atton the front part of the donkey while eating a carrot.

"Then I'll win the bet easily"

"HEY!"

_By-and-by he allowed himself to be persuaded to think of it, only stipulating that the bride should be more beautiful and attractive than the late queen, according to the promise he had made her._

_Overjoyed at having obtained what they wanted, the counsellors sent envoys far and wide to get portraits of all the most famous beauties of every country.  
>The artists were very busy and did their best, but, alas! nobody could even pretend that any of the ladies could compare for a moment with the late queen. <em>

"(Strange accent) Messieur, I'm doing the best I can, I'm an artist not god who created Eve while looking at Playboy magazine."  
>(Juhani as the random artist)<p>

"So there isn't any girl who can match the queen's beauty?" asked a councellor.

_Since When HK-47 was a beauty?_

_Anyway..._

_At length, one day, when he had turned away discouraged from a fresh collection of pictures, the king's eyes fell on his adopted daughter,  
>who had lived in the palace since she was a baby, and he saw that, if a woman existed on the whole earth more lovely than the queen, this was she!<em>

"Then It' decided! You shall be my new wife! Congratulation...Exile!"

"What the fuc*? !"  
>(The exile as the princess)<p>

"NOoooooooo-" Screamed the front part of the donkey.

"I lose my bet but this is so epic!" said a laughing behind of the donkey.

_**End of Chapter one.**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Chapter two.**_

_The king G0-T0 at once made known what his wishes were, marrying his adopted daughter called Exile. _

"Are you fuc**** out of your mind? ! Why the hell should I marry you?" asked the outraged princess exile.

"Because I'm worth it, obviously." explained the king G0-T0.

_But the young girl, who was not at all ambitious, and had not the faintest desire to marry him, was filled with dismay, and begged for time to think about it. _

"Think of it? ! There is nothing to think about it! I refuse! Simple and clean! This is a free country! I have rights!"

"I am King, so you have to do what I demand!"

_And the Front part of the donkey was making a depression._

"Come on! It's not that bad." said Mira the behind of the donkey.

"'sob' my precious angel...'sob', she prefer marrying a fat old guy...instead of me 'sob'" sobbed Atton the front part of the donkey.

"You're a donkey. Act like one!" said Mira the behind of the donkey.

_That night, when everyone was asleep, she started in a little car drawn by a big sheep, and went to consult her fairy godmother._

"Seriously, can't you walk any faster?" said the princess Exile to the sheep.

_The sheep beeped at the princess. (Can be translated as: Walk yourself!)  
><em>(T3-M4 as the sheep)

"Yeah, go ahead, wake everyone up while I'm trying to leave secretly. I'm sure my father G0-T0 hasn't heard you enough." said sarcastically the princess exile.

"Actually I heard you and-" But the king G0-T0 was interrupt by being hit by a shoe.

"Sleep to death!" yelled the princess exile.

_At the fairy godmother's house._

"I know what you have come to tell me,"  
>(Kreia as the fairy godmother)<p>

"You do? Great! I won't need to do some random flash-back with the force" said the exile.

"And if you don't wish to marry him, I will show you how to avoid it. Ask him to give you a dress that exactly matches the sky. It will be impossible for him to get one, so you will be quite safe."

"That's it? ! Geez thanks, I couldn't have think of that myself..." said sarcastically the princess exile.

_The girl thanked the fairy and returned home again. _

"What a stupid plan..."

_The next morning, when her father (She insisted on the word "father") came to see her, she told him that she could give him no answer until he had presented her with a dress the colour of the sky. _

"AH! Try that, you old geezer!"

"Okay! No problem!"

"What? !"

_The king, overjoyed at this answer, sent for all the choicest weavers and dressmakers in the kingdom, and commanded them to make a robe the colour of the sky without an instant's delay, or he would cut off their heads at once. _

"Hey! I thought you were a patriot?" asked the princess exile.

"Only on weekend." answer the king G0-T0.

_Dreadfully frightened at this threat, they all began to dye and cut and sew, and in two days they brought back the dress, which looked as if it had been cut straight out of the heavens! _

"What the ****? !" cursed the princess exile.

"That was no challenge for me, young girl. Try a little harder next time."

"In three words, Your plan sucks..." said the front and the behind part of the donkey

_The poor girl was thunderstruck (and very moody), and did not know what to do; so in the night she harnessed (and insulted) her sheep T3 again , and went in search of her godmother._

"KREIA! Your plan SUCKS!" exclaimed the princess exile.

"The king is cleverer than I thought," said Kreia the fairy; "but tell him you must have a dress of moonbeams."

"I rather have a marshmallow..." said the princess exile.

"Do as I ask."

"Okay, Okay, moonbeams dress..."

_And the next day, when the king summoned her into his presence, the girl told him what she wanted. _

"Madam, I can refuse you nothing," said he; and he ordered the dress to be ready in twenty-four hours, or every man should be hanged.

"What the ****? !" cursed the princess exile.

_They set to work with all their might, and by dawn next day, the dress of moonbeams was laid across her bed._

_The girl, though she could not help admiring its beauty, began to cry (of rage), till the fairy, who heard her, came to her help. _

"Kreia...Give me a reason NOT to strangle YOU right NOW!"

"Well, I could not have believed it of him!"Said Kreia the fairy

"You think?" said sarcastically princess exile.

"but ask for a dress of sunshine, and I shall be surprised indeed if he manages that!"

_The goddaughter did not feel much faith in the fairy after her two previous failures;( hell! she wanted to kill Kreia with her bare hands) but not knowing what else to do, she told her father what she was bid. _

_The king made no difficulties about it, and even gave his finest rubies and diamonds to ornament the dress, which was ,so dazzling, when finished, that it could not be looked at save through smoked glasses! _

"..."

_When the princess saw it, she pretended that the sight hurt her eyes, and retired to her room, where she found the fairy awaiting her, very much ashamed of herself. _

"I loathe you very much... Now I have to marry the old geezer and make fat babies droids with him...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW! I don't even want to think of it!" screamed the princess exile.

"There is only one thing to be done now," Said Kreia the fairy.

"You must demand the skin of the ass he sets such store by. It is from that donkey he obtains all his vast riches; and I am sure he will never give it to you."

"You want Mira's ass? ! EW!" the princess exile was disgusted

"Not Mira's ass ; the skin of the donkey costume." explained Kreia the fairy

"But that also mean Atton and Mira will be naked...I don't want to see that."

"You want to marry the fat one?"

"NO!"

"Then you know what to do..."

_**End of chapter two.**_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Chapter three.**_

_The princess was not so certain that the plan of the fairy;_

"Hell, I better fall to the dark side right now..." said the princess exile.

_However, she went to the king G0-T0, and told him she could never marry him till he had given her the donkey's skin._

"WHAT? !" The front part and the behind of the donkey disapproved of course.

_The king was both astonished and grieved at this new request, but did not hesitate an instant. The donkey was sacrificed, and the skin laid at the feet of the princess. _

_Atton and Mira were unemployed and went to find work at LucasArt and Obsidian for other games._

"Maybe they need scoundrels in the new star wars old republic game!" exclaimed Atton.

"Think of the bounty hunter too" said Mira.

_The poor Princess exile, seeing no escape from the fate she dreaded, cursed everyone, Including Atton and Mira who left without her; when, suddenly, Kreia the fairy stood before her_.

"Take heart," she said

"All will now go well! Wrap yourself in this skin, and leave the palace and go as far as you can. I will look after you.  
>Your dresses and your jewels shall follow you underground,<br>and if you strike the earth whenever you need anything, you will have it at once. But go quickly: you have no time to lose."

"You're kidding? ! That thing stink !" said princess exile.

"Stop complaining and start running." Said Kreia the fairy.

"Okay, Okay...Can I take my sheep T3?"

"You can run yourself lazy fool!"

"Old hag."

_So the princess clothed herself in the donkey's skin, and slipped from the palace without being seen by anyone. _

_Directly she was missed there was a great hue and cry, and every corner, possible and impossible, was searched.  
>Then the king sent out parties along all the roads, but the fairy threw her invisible mantle over the girl when they approached, and none of them could see her. <em>

"Who need invisible mantle when you have a mentor who can teach you how to hide with the force?" asked Kreia the fairy.

"I rather take the mantle instead of you." said princess Exile.

_The princess walked on a long, long way, trying to find someone who would take her in, and let her work for them;  
>but though the cottagers, whose houses she passed, gave her food from charity, the donkey's skin was so dirty they would not allow her to enter their houses.<br>For her flight had been so hurried she had had no time to clean it. _

"Geez, What had Atton and Mira done in this donkey costume to make it so dirty..." asked herself the princess Exile.

_Tired and disheartened at her ill-fortune, she was wandering, one day, past the gate of a farmyard, situated just outside the walls of a large town, when she heard a voice calling to her.  
>She turned and saw the farmer's wife standing among her turkeys, and making signs to her to come in. <em>

"I want a girl-" Began the woman.

"EW! NO!" the princess was disgusted.

"NOT THAT WAY! Now, I want a girl to wash the dishes and feed the turkeys, and clean out the pig-sty, and to judge by your dirty clothes, you would not be too fine for the work."  
>(Atris as the farmer's wife)<p>

"I knew I shouldn't trust the old hag when she said she would help me..." muttered the princess Exile.

"OhOhOh" Laughed Kreia the fairy while playing chess with Fairy DSM Revan.

_Princess Exile accepted her offer with much enthusiasm,_

"What have I done to deserve that...I'm a princess for crying out loud! I'm not suppose to work!"

_And she was at once set to work in a corner of the kitchen, where all the farm servants came and made fun of her, and the Donkey's skin in which she was wrapped. _

"Wait until, I find my lightsaber and then we'll see who will be laughing" muttered the princess Exile.

"I thought you were in the lightside?" asked The farmer's wife Atris.

"Only on weekend." explained princess Exile.

"You sound like your father..." said Atris.

"I hate you."

_But by-and-by they got so used to the sight of it that it ceased to amuse them (she threaded them),  
>and she worked so hard and so well, that her mistress grew quite fond of her.<br>And she was so clever at keeping sheep and herding turkeys that you would have thought she had done nothing else during her whole life! _

"HEY! I saved the galaxy against a hungry sith lord, an old hag and a sado maso (Nihilus, Kreia and Sion) That count as something!"

_One day she was sitting on the banks of a stream bewailing her wretched lot, when she suddenly caught sight of herself in the water.  
>Her hair and part of her face was quite concealed by the donkey's head, which was drawn right over like a hood, and the filthy matted skin covered her whole body.<br>It was the first time she had seen herself as other people saw her, and she was filled with shame at the spectacle. _

"Well I think it's the last time Kreia and Sion will ever call me beautiful...  
>Though it was a bit creepy when it was Kreia who called me beautiful. Seriously...You don't call another woman 'beautiful' out of the blue."<p>

_And Lightside male Exile was crying a river because Kreia didn't call him 'handsome' at the end of the game._

_Then the princess exile threw off her disguise and jumped into the water, plunging in again and again, till she shone like ivory. _

"Just because I have to wear this awful stinky donkey skin doesn't mean I can't shower!"

_When it was time to go back to the farm, she was forced to put on the skin which disguised her, and now seemed more dirty than ever;_

"Seriously, what have they done when they were inside that thing? !"

_But, as she did so, she comforted herself with the thought that tomorrow was a holiday, and that she would be able for a few hours to forget that she was a farm girl, and be a princess once more. _

_So, at break of day, she stamped on the ground, as the fairy had told her, and instantly the dress like the sky lay across her tiny bed.  
>Her room was so small that there was no place for the train of her dress to spread itself out, but she pinned it up carefully when she combed her beautiful hair and piled it up on the top of her head, as she had always worn it.<br>When she had done, she was so pleased with herself that she determined never to let a chance pass of putting on her splendid clothes,  
>even if she had to wear them in the fields, with no one to admire her but the sheep and turkeys. <em>

_Her sheep T3 was still calling her an ugly street walker but stopped when she has thrown one of her shoe on him. _

_Now the farm was a royal farm, and, one holiday, when 'Donkey Skin' (as they had nicknamed the princess) had locked the door of her room and clothed herself in her dress of sunshine,  
>the king's son rode through the gate, and asked if he might come and rest himself a little after hunting.<em>

"WAIT, WAIT, does that mean that son of a bitch G0-T0 married someone else and had a son ? !" asked the outraged princess exile.

_Er...I thought you didn't want to married him?_

"Well yeah but still...My pride is still hurt"

_You're so difficult...Beside it's another king we are talking about._

"Ah? well that good to know...I had enough with all that incest thing."

_Some food and milk were set before him in the garden, and when the prince felt rested he got up, and began to explore the house, which was famous throughout the whole kingdom for its age and beauty.  
>He opened one door after the other, admiring the old rooms, when he came to a handle that would not turn.<br>He stooped and peeped through the keyhole to see what was inside, and was greatly astonished at beholding a beautiful girl, clad in a dress so dazzling that he could hardly look at it. _

"B-beautiful!"  
>(Mical the disciple as the prince)<p>

_And Princess exile was still clueless that someone was watching and drooling at her._

"I've just red what you have wrote you know..."

_And she put something inside the keyhole._

_The prince of course was disappointed..._

"Yeah, Like every pervert should be!" said princess exile.

_But his curiosity still wasn't satisfy..._

_He must know the name of owner of the room at the end of the passage._

_**End of chapter three.**_


End file.
